I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
