Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
