Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
