god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
