R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
