Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish I only lived at night.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
