it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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