The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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