hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
