So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
