I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just found puke in my bra..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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