you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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