My Higher Power is John Stamos
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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