So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
