Just fell off a train. Bad.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
