FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
