Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
