Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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