OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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