My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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