You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
you traded sex for a burrito?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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