i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
