I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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