i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
