My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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