Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
