John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
