Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
