I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
