That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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