he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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