he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
