Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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