its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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