tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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