It's Friday. Sex?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
