My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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