Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
