my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
