i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize
