maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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