you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
my poor anus
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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