I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i wish my penis had a tongue
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
