I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
