1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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