So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
