I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
