I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
