You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
