My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
