the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
