Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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