I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
