I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
