When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
