Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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