I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
