I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
