What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
