Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
